Please pray for me today!

It's hard to be a parent. I need wisdom and discernment to know what to back my girl up on, and what she needs to be called out on. I could do without the "village" sometimes.

Good luck, cradle, and I'll say a prayer for you as soon as I post this. I believe I understand; I've been
struggling with my oldest daughter (almost 12) these past few months. I can do without the "village," too, most days.

I do appreciate it.

should be for your daughter. Having had two ( now in their early twenties) I remember the peer pressure at middle and high school was enormous on both of them. I hope dad is involved in this too with the possible exception of things involving sexuality. If not, it's not fair to mom IMO. Good luck cradle.

If I remember correctly, yours are still young right? Mine are not quite as old as Therefor's (16 and 18) but the problems and difficulties don't go away. Not to scare you, but they get worse. I keep hearing when they reach their 20's, it gets easier, Therefor? Any truth to that?

we're not quite at that stage yet. This is a who-bullied-who kind of thing, where my daughter is getting the punishment (deserved, 'cuz she's lying like a rug) but is now telling us about previous instances where the girl in question has done some not-so-nice things to her in the past. Of course, it rings a little hollow being brought up now, but knowing both kids it's also probably true. I'm concerned that this might get blown out of proportion to a point where my girl becomes the scapegoat for a lot of other kids--and at the same time, I want her take responsibility where it's needed.

So yeah, discernment and wisdom. I want her to be self-reflective while at the same time not feeling like we threw her to the wolves. We tend to be "let the kids work things out as much as possible" kind of parents in a sea of "let's handle as much of the homework/daily troubles/upsets" kind of parents. I'm starting to think we need to jump in the sea a little bit more. Dad is involved too, which is helpful as well.

And just4: I know you're right. This is our oldest, so we're learning. And I'm worried and saddened by the lying.

And I hear you about the village. We have an 11-year-old daughter who is struggling in so many ways. Fortunately, academics are not among them. Sometimes I think academic issues would be easier to deal with than some of the interpersonal yukkiness that the world can bring. I never knew how vicious girls can be to each other!

I do know, because I remember. Either the other moms I know have selective memory, or they were way, way nicer than I was when I was 11!! And I was ok, in comparison!

at how ugly girls can be to one another, it's sad isn't it.

Cradle, I've always felt the way you did, let the kids work it out and I always taught my children to be the one to walk away. But.... there are times when they just need to stand up for themselves. It's a thin line we walk with our children and there are no easy answers.

Is our daughter bringing the ugliness home with her and treating her sisters and her mother very, very poorly. She doesn't do it with me often - I think my boundaries are clearer than her mother's, which I think is probably pretty common. I worry so much that she's damaging her relationships with her sisters, and I pray that they're not damaged beyond repair. One thing we've always stressed is that there will be no 'ganging up' between the girls, that our home is our haven and every belongs always. This has been sorely tested as of late.

To paraphrase Dorie in Finding Nemo... 'just keep praying, just keep praying, just keep praying....'! :spl:

I'm glad to hear you say that, if you know what I mean. My eldest definitely is a daddy's girl, and I get the brunt of her meanness, as does her younger sister. I hate the meanness, and when I hear that maybe she's acting the same way at school, I can't say I'm totally surprised.

I'm wondering if the homeschoolers maybe have it right.

She's going to middle school next year. It's quite a zoo there. I wish I could convince my wife that she is fully capable of home schooling, even if she wants me to do the math lessons. So far, no dice. The other option is enrolling her at the Catholic school for three years. At least some of the pressure would be off for a few years, giving her some time to mature and learn how to deal with the crap she gets. She's a good kid with a good heart. She's also very sensitive, so she gets hurt very easily. the other day, I saw a picture of her digging in our garden back when she was 1. Back then, we could protect her from pretty much anything that could hurt her. I know deep down inside, she's still the same sweet little girl she was then, and it breaks my heart to think that I can't protect her from everything.

I wish someone had warned me that daddyhood would involve a pretty regular string of heartbreaks. I wouldn't have done anything different, but at least I would have known!

It's such a relief to read some of these posts and know my husband and I are not
alone (although, logically, of course I know we are not). I'm dealing with an 11-year-old
daughter (12 in August) who is heading to middle school, too, HaroldAngel, and like
your daughter, too, Cradle, she was involved in a bullying situation a few years ago,
pretty much the way you described your own daughter's situation.

My husband, too, is surprised at how vicious girls can be. It's so, so difficult, trying
to raise kids to be good Christians and yet giving them the necessary skills (I'm not
sure "skills" is the right word here) to get along with the world in general.

I used to think babyhood was hard, but now I'll take a screaming infant any day over
some of the issue's we're facing now -- and my kids aren't even in their teens yet!

I may have mentioned this on the other forum, but although I understood the concept intellectually, I never really appreciated the idea of God as parent until I became a parent myself. It is the most difficult job I have ever had, and our son is not a particularly difficult boy. It is hard sometimes to know how to handle things.

However last year, during Summer he got into some trouble at his day camp and then he lied about it. I don't recall him lying before, although he probably lied to get out of school by saying he was sick when he really wasn't. Having done that as a kid on occasion I couldn't really punish him too much for that.

Our son is kind of quirky. He may have something on the high functioning autism spectrum, but none of his teachers have ever suggested that and I am too much of a chicken to check it out. He also does fine in school. The past two years, however, he has had problem with at least one kid at school. They pick on him. His teachers suggested that he be in a "friendship group" where apparently only children learn social skills because he has a hard time maintaining eye contact at times. He loves the group. He also has a new little friend who just moved in next door. There are no kids in the neighborhood his age aside from this boy and I was never good about arranging play dates. He is also in a fitness and friendship group for boys (He's a very slim kid just not in organized sports) and there is some boy in the group who either hits of knocks down one kid at least every week. This week was our son's week.

I remember being teased a lot when I was in school because I was the skinniest and shortest kid. Kids can be unmerciful. Then in 8th grade-one of the worst years of my life-I was the target of a group of four girls who called themselves "The Fearsome Foursome". Girls that age can be worst than boys sometimes.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this, except to say that "Kids say and do the darndest things". I will keep you and your family in prayer. If it keeps up, you might try contacting the guidance counsellor or school psychologist. I have only had one dealing with one of the ones in our school system, but she was helpful.

On another note, if I could afford the tuition for private school I would send him there. There is Christian Classical Education school near us and when I went into the classroom (when they were having sign up for the next year) and the head of school introduced me they all stood up and said "Hello, Mrs.________". Then I went to a class where the 5th grade kids were learning logic and debating skills! Apparently, Latin is also on the curriculum. I would also like him to go to a school where I wouldn't have to be made to feel I need to be so PC about the expression of faith. Now, if someone unknown wealthy relative would just drop the tuition money into our lap that would be great. ;)

for sharing your struggles! It's always nice to feel less alone in the water! My daughter is at a Catholic school now, and I think that does help. The one drawback is that because it's such a small group (and some parents seem to have quite a lot of time on their hands) that I find myself needing to draw some really firm boundaries sometimes with them. My daughter seems to be handling all of this well--I do think that she may have gotten singled out by an angry and defensive mom, but then, she shouldn't have said a few things that she did. So it goes. I do think it would be much harder at a public school. My daughter tends to look tough on the outside, and I don't think people always realize that she's tender on the inside. I have another daughter who sounds like yours, Harold--maybe too senisitive to deal well with all of the bad stuff.

And Austen thank you for the suggestion of the guidance counselor; I think I will look into that. I didn't realize the extent to which my daughter was getting teased, and I'm working on her now to be more open about what goes on at school. I've tried to explain that her friends are not as circumspect as she is, and I can't defend her if I have no idea what's going on.

In our family's case, most of it got easier/better probably because of the results of their living the college life and all its demands and responsibilities associated with it academically, socially etc. A maturity of sorts. What continues is the normal parental worry or concern about life's trials and tribulations that our kids have to deal with now mostly on their own. That will always be there.